Psychobabble with Katherine Morgan Schafler

'There’s nothing about who you are that you need to recover from. Perfectionism is not your problem'

‘Writing a book requires you to rise to the occasion of yourself’ - Katherine Morgan Schafler

It’s rare you read a book that genuinely changes your life. I’ve read a lot of psychology books over the years, A LOT. While some are brilliant, others are not, so it takes a lot to get me really excited about a book.

I almost didn’t read it. If I’m honest, when Katherine Morgan Schafler’s book The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control, landed on my desk, I judged that book by its cover (or rather the title, the cover is beautiful). Here we go, I thought, another book about perfectionism, telling me to recover from perfectionism by embracing imperfection and giving up the need to be in control. I wasn’t even going to read it.

But thank god I did.

Bored one Sunday evening, I picked it up and leafed through its pages. A personality quiz, I announced to my friend, shall we do it? Within a couple of pages, I had diagnosed myself as a Parisian Perfectionist - people who care deeply about what others think of them but want their drive for connection to appear effortless to protect themselves from disappointment. I’d never identified myself as a perfectionist before (some of you may have already realized this from my penchant for typos) - yet this book seemed to recognize something in me that I hadn’t understood about myself. We laughed at how precisely it captured me; acting like they’re putting no effort in while secretly striving for success, not checking spelling mistakes as long as they’re being validated, not being bothered mess if it doesn’t impact whether people like them or not. This book was reading me.

And it wasn’t just me. My friend, who we’d worked out as a procrastinator perfectionist was having the exact same experience. This explains everything, she said, equally as gobsmacked, it’s not that I don’t have the desire, it’s that I’m too afraid to act upon things in case it ruins the perfect image I have of my ideas in my head.

We read on. This book wasn’t saying at all what I’d assumed, it was saying quite the opposite; that we’ve been looking at perfectionism wrong, that perfectionism can be a superpower, that trying to ‘let go of perfectionism’ is a patriarchial notion designed to undermine women’s ambition and power. Perfectionism, As a psychotherapist and former on-site therapist at Google Katherine writes, can be used to work for you, not against you.

It’s strange that one can get so excited about a new thought like this, but it really does feel revolutionary to think in this way, to encourage women to own their desires, work with our quirks and desires in a way that harnesses our power rather than shames us for it. I was so inspired that I reached out to Katherine so I could pick her brain, and her wise and beautifully-written answers did not disappoint.

1.     The perfectionist categories help so much to crystalise the different forms and structures of perfectionism. However, I am aware of how keen we are as humans to put ourselves in boxes and identify with labels. In this age of diagnosis and labels, do you think they are always useful?

Great question. The answer is no. I dive deep into the benefit and limitations of labels in my author’s note, but the headline is this: human beings are dynamic creatures whose identity is not static. I like the way Deepak Chopra puts it, “Identity is, at best, provisional.”

I offer the identities of the 5 types of perfectionists (and of “perfectionist” itself) to invite awareness around patterns of behaving, thinking, feeling, and relating to oneself and others. Whether you are or are not something is a binary way of thinking. While binary logic can be helpful in certain circumstances, it’s otherwise too simplistic to apply to human beings with consistent accuracy. Are we perfectionists or not? The identity stamp doesn’t really matter. I wrote this book to serve as a connection to your true self, no matter who you are or how you choose to define yourself.

2. I love the reframing of seeing perfectionism as a tool to harness, rather than as a negative trait to shame and try to get rid of. What are the best ways someone can learn to embrace their perfectionism?

One of the best ways to begin changing the way you think is to change the way you speak. Stop using the term, “recovering perfectionist.” There’s nothing about who you are that you need to recover from. Perfectionism is not your problem. Some of the most joyful, fulfilled, and greatest contributors to society are perfectionists. Your problem is that you respond to missteps with punishment instead of self-compassion. 

3. On reading your book I learned that I’m a Parisian perfectionist, so I find the writing process pretty easy, but the judgment of others the most terrifying. I’m interested to know what the process of writing a book was like for you as a messy perfectionist?

Ugh writing a book is so hard! Every part of it is so hard! I was just having a conversation with a new writer friend of mine about this – I think the hardest thing is that writing a book requires you to rise to the occasion of yourself. You’re putting a stake in the ground and saying, “What I have to say about this is worth putting in a book, and worth the time and energy it takes readers to consume that book.” Even though I have the degrees and experience, giving myself the authority to call myself a “writer,” was a huge hurdle for me.

And then! My messy perfectionism was a constant challenge. I wanted to include so much in the book that I ended up taking out, and it felt like one loss after another. My editor helped me tremendously in managing that messy perfectionist notion that, look, you can’t do all the things you want to do. You can’t put every single thing you know and every special story you remember in a book. You have to pick.  

4. What do you wish you’d known before you started your own healing journey?

I wish for me back then what I wish for future me who is struggling …I wish there were a way I could permanently stay tethered to my worth. Which is to say, I wish there were a way that I could never, not for one second, forget that I deserve all the joy, freedom, dignity, love and connection that the world could ever offer me. Regardless of whether other people approve, love me back, say yes. Regardless of what I do or do not achieve. Regardless of how I look. Regardless of anything. But human beings forget. I know I’ll forget again, and get myself into some kind of trouble as a result. The trick, for me, is not to figure out how to never forget. The trick is to surround myself with people and passions that make it easier to remember. All my friends are “I’ll leave the front porch light on for you” kind of friends. You don’t even have to ask. All the books on my shelf echo messages of power and self-worth. All the podcasts I listen to broadcast…you get the idea. 

5. You write a lot about desire and owning your ambitions. Issues with a lack of desire are something I often see in my clinic. What would your advice be for people who struggle to own their desires, or have been so used to repressing their desires and living for others that don’t know what they want?

Another fabulous question! Chapter 9 of the book is all about this, identifying your desire. “What do I want,” it turns out, can be a really tough question. The answer changes as the seasons of our lives change. I share an exercise in the book which I do in my private practice. It’s this: close your eyes and ask yourself, “What do I want,” then pay attention to any visuals that come to mind. I find that when people are stuck on this question, the answer appears as an image before there are ever clean words to explain it. This image is an emblem of your desire. Let the image stay with you, and let it evolve.

6. As a psychotherapist holding and caring for others, how do you look after your own mental health?

Lots of connection! To loved ones, new and old. To music, to books, to podcasts. I walk a lot. I eat a lot of whole foods and drink a lot of broths. I prioritize sleep. I don’t really drink alcohol anymore. I put boundaries around people I don’t feel safe around. And I write down and speak aloud what I want (even if it’s only ever me that’s seeing and hearing the message). Words are powerful; I use them every day.