This is a really thoughtful piece. I especially appreciate the reminder that having needs is not the same as being needy. For many sensitive or over-responsible people, healing can mean learning both sides: not abandoning ourselves through over-giving, but also not shaming ourselves for needing care, support and community.
The avoidant getting to push away while the pushed-away person is left doubting whether they are indeed too much. That dynamic is the one I lived inside for the better part of a year without having this language for it. By the time I left I had become so convinced that my ordinary need for genuine closeness was the problem that I spent months after leaving trying to figure out what was wrong with me rather than understanding that I had been in relationship with someone who had projected all their own need for connection onto me and then called it my flaw. Community isn’t something you have. It’s something you do. That line is the one I am bringing with me 🫶🏻
I’ve been thinking about the extreme individualism of society for a long time. I have lost friends because when I experienced rough patches they would tell me that they can’t be around ‘negative energy’ or that I was asking too much. The fact that I never asked for anything during these times meant that the ‘asking for too much’ was an assumption or misinterpretation others made if I expressed anything other than positivity. It got to a point I would ask over and over again if it was ok to talk about something or I would decline repeatedly if help were offered because inevitably it would end with me being told to ‘give space’ because I was ‘too needy’. I always wonder if I am the only person feeling the loneliness of the society we have created?
I love this and it’s so fucking true!
This is a really thoughtful piece. I especially appreciate the reminder that having needs is not the same as being needy. For many sensitive or over-responsible people, healing can mean learning both sides: not abandoning ourselves through over-giving, but also not shaming ourselves for needing care, support and community.
Yes, well said! Needs are not the same as neediness
The avoidant getting to push away while the pushed-away person is left doubting whether they are indeed too much. That dynamic is the one I lived inside for the better part of a year without having this language for it. By the time I left I had become so convinced that my ordinary need for genuine closeness was the problem that I spent months after leaving trying to figure out what was wrong with me rather than understanding that I had been in relationship with someone who had projected all their own need for connection onto me and then called it my flaw. Community isn’t something you have. It’s something you do. That line is the one I am bringing with me 🫶🏻
DK 🤍
I’ve been thinking about the extreme individualism of society for a long time. I have lost friends because when I experienced rough patches they would tell me that they can’t be around ‘negative energy’ or that I was asking too much. The fact that I never asked for anything during these times meant that the ‘asking for too much’ was an assumption or misinterpretation others made if I expressed anything other than positivity. It got to a point I would ask over and over again if it was ok to talk about something or I would decline repeatedly if help were offered because inevitably it would end with me being told to ‘give space’ because I was ‘too needy’. I always wonder if I am the only person feeling the loneliness of the society we have created?